Because You Know I'm All About That Face (to face)

Word Count: 616

When my mother began online dating in 1998, it was still in the wee stages of popularity, more geared toward divorcees and an older crowd. Honestly I found it embarrassing, and told myself I’d never be caught dead doing that. I didn’t know at the age of 8 how, exactly, one found a suitor in a more traditional sense. I guess I just assumed he’d manifest from my wildest dreams in a brand new Mustang convertible. After living single in New York City for four years with no prospects and no clue, I finally caved and expanded my search. But if my mother’s horrendous experience taught me anything, it was to not spend days and weeks learning about these men online, but meet them as soon as possible. That’s because my mother knew something first hand these theory writers perhaps don’t consider: People lie.

Social Information Processing Theory (SIPT) claims that “communicators in online settings are able, over time, to gather and construct images of their communication partners that are quite parallel to images they might have constructed through FtF interactions “ (Heinemann 184). While I’m sure this is true in some instances, I have to disagree based on my own experiences. As we know in computer mediated communication, you not only have confidence to share things you may not in person (a worthy cause), but you also have the time to construct the absolute perfect sentence. I’m guilty of this. I changed my profile every three days because I was obsessed with seeming like the most intelligent, the most fun, the most interesting. Essentially, I was playing these dudes. Karma bit me back though, in a few big ways. Let’s take Christian, for example, who worked for a corporate bank and wore nice suits. He was funny, friendly, and seemed like he had his life together. What I didn’t know is that he was 32 years old living with his mom because “Why would I spend my money on a place when I can just bum off my mom in Queens?” Then disappears to “Amsterdam” for a “soccer tournament” and drops off the earth. Or Mike. Who I spent weeks talking to on the phone, laughing and really getting to know, but doesn’t show up for our date. Instead he sent me a text full of expletives about how I need to leave him alone and never speak to him again? Okay, MIKE. If that’s even your real name. Probably not, though, because it’s an online dating site, you literally can’t trust anyone.

Another severe issue I take with SIPT is found in a study that used the film You’ve Got Mail to teach this theory. In one example, author Heinemann maintains that “the blind interaction allows Kathleen and Joe to establish their relationship based on the qualities of each other’s personalities, as opposed to physical attraction” (185).  This is problematic for me because physical attraction is extremely important on the basest human level. I know people love to disagree about this, but it is not shallow to want to date someone you’re attracted to. And if you use photos that don’t accurately represent how you look, it’s just as deceiving as the well crafted email you send; after spending 45 minutes trying to come up with the perfect ask-out: “Wouldst thou like to accompany me to the local watering hole to indulge in libations?”

My partner came up with that line. We met after about 15 minutes of online interaction and have had 4 years of FtF bliss.

Heinemann, Darias. "Using You've Got Mail to Teach Social Information Processing Theory and Hyperpersonal Perspective in Online Interactions."Communication Teacher 25.4 (2011). Web. 10 October 2016.